I apologize for the long disappearance! I have been really busy with my life. In what ways? Let me count:
1. Workplace – I celebrated my first year anniversary as a senior emergency room staff nurse last June 5. At these times, insights about my profession which enhanced not only my skills but also how I looked at life, at other people, and those insights changed me as a whole. It made me grow even a little. Explanations on another entry. Also, many improvements have been implemented for the past months in terms of working guidelines and equipments. It’s been exhausting adjusting to such changes, but because I see positive effects, I keep on working to uphold these improvements. Changes are really inevitable.
2. Freelance writing and blogging – I have actually passed the qualifying exams! I did four assignments so far, and I am actually earning! Despite the pressure of deadlines and revisions, I immensely enjoy researching on such a topic and learning new things. I get so high about writing that I sleep little and even forget eating! I even face the computer and claim a new assignment RIGHT AFTER my hospital work… My obsession is a bit scary, haha. Thank goodness there’s coffee and music to keep me awake!
3. My hobbies – During my solitude, I have been thinking that my interest on Japanese music and culture is a total waste of my time. I believed they distract me from my goals, the things I love most. After a little soul-searching, I realized that same as music and writing, these aren’t hobbies anymore. Instead, it is already a part of me. Through it, my social circle have broadened; I have met friends that I will definitely treasure. I discerned I will never be able to remove my love for Japanese things from my routine. These are the things that define me. I do not need to look further for the things that I love doing even in a lifetime; my heart knows the answers already.
4. Path to simplicity – I have removed my old clothes from my closet, and have given them away as donations. I am now living with a clean desktop, small lists, and a system for saving money and streamlining my files. Meditation has done a lot for me, and I do it before I start my day so I can stop delving on what I did, what I should have done or what I will do later. A sharper focus for the present, that is what I want. I am not perfect on doing such things, but I feel significant changes occurring.
5. Overwhelming feelings – One of my favorite grandfathers died a week ago. His sudden disappearance made me ponder on how unpredictable life is. This will be the topic of my next essay; please watch out for it.
Also, I had a dream three days ago. I was shot at the back of the skull while I was on my way to work. My “spirit” witnessed how I was carried to our hospital, and how horrified my coworkers were as they revived me. I lost so much blood from that hole on my skull. All of them were crying; they didn’t want to give up on me. Alas, I died on that dream. I was in tears when I woke up and it left a great impact on me. Then, I was on Yahoo Messenger and Facebook chat beginning last hour. Many of my friends messaged me all at once. One said he remembered me because of a song he composed. Another said he missed my back massages; others dropped by, simply asking me how my day went. I was really puzzled, at the same time overwhelmed. Lately, I have been feeling alone. Working so hard without people noting my efforts, something like that. Reading how my friends remembered me in some way touched me so much I was in tears for a few seconds. Is that what my terrible dream meant? Hahaha, I’m becoming such a crybaby lately!
I am being changed, in ways I cannot explain. I can feel it immensely. I don’t know if this is because of improved focus or my meditation, but yes, I am starting to appreciate even the simplest of things right now. I do the things I love. I have what I need, and even those that I want. Most of all, the people I cherish most are right beside me, continuously making me feel I am loved and remembered. Indeed, I am far more blessed than most people. Despite, all hazards and troubles, living is great.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
– Max Ehrmann, “Desiderata”