Take Solace, Valiant Love Fighter

You’ve fought too much. You’ve cried hard enough. You’ve isolated yourself for too long. You’ve believed you can write a good closing to a story with a predetermined bitter end. It’s like reviving a patient with rigor mortis, watering a plant that’s been withered long time ago. Pity yourself, for you have long been chasing pavements, and I am sure I know you know it would lead you nowhere.

It’s about time to rest your laurels and get a good night’s sleep. End this insanity, put down your sword. Wash your face off all those traces of tears you’ve shed futilely. Pick up other tasks to and work on them fiercely. Go back to your Creator and thank Him for everything that happened, how He had saved you from an impending lifetime of misery. Bask in the sunshine and remember how this world is crazy yet oh so lovely. Enjoy the warm glow of other people who actually love you back. Then one morning rest assured you will wake up and it will not hurt anymore.  At that point in time, you will look at this and laugh at how silly you were, and maybe pat yourself at the back for being so brave. I believe someday, you will learn to love again wholly, maybe even more than you did this time.

For now, put in your mind how somewhere Far East they used to repair broken porcelain pieces with pure gold. Yes, that’s what you are. The battle scars will be where the light will shine through thus will give you your own genuinity. The time of lamenting has lapsed. Let the dead be buried. It’s time to let it go, especially if the one you’re fighting for will not, and will never, fight with and for you anymore.

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Alone Again, Wonderful World.

Undergoing quite a difficult time now. My best friend and lover deserted me out of nowhere. I am somehow glad that he has the Lord’s interest for this breakup, but I feel upset that he left me just like that without a proper closure, not even a freaking telephone call! Now, I am left floating and hanging on what to do next. I admit I really loved him, and he is the first man I have ever loved immensely, but I guess I pushed him away by my nagging and by being an extreme worrier. I learned my lesson well; the next time I give my love to someone, I will not hold on to him tight, just right for him to know I am concerned, at the same time I am willing to give him freedom to pursue whatever he wanted.

Still, it really hurt. I wake up in the middle of the night crying after having dreams of him visiting my family, wherein everything is all right, and everything has a happy ending. Am I the only one feeling miserable right now? I guess I am, and I just want this to stop soon, but until then I will never know when I will ever be fully okay again.

Porcelain Mask

The truth hurts yet liberates, so they say.
You’re the only one who’ve pained me this way.
You saw the rottenness, namely, my face.
My heart was upset, I clammed up for days.
I cried in anger for not getting my way.
My self was wounded, my pride has been slain.
There were times I am tempted to betray.
But I cried most in fear you’ll run away.

That Boyfriend Checklist

[Traits I Want on a Potential Husband]
1.) He should be a Christian. If not -that- strictly, benevolence will be one way to show that he believes in God’s commandments.

2.) Not necessarily good-looking, but I want him to be chinky-eyed, with neat hairstyle, tall, fair-skinned, and with well-built yet lean physique. Little definition will do. I HATE BULGING MUSCLES. Eww, scary.

3.) He must have a good sense of style. Need not to be loud, just simple yet catchy. Like he has one accessory that only he has or is rare.

4.) He must be [organized], more [organized] than I do! He must know how to keep things in good shape for a long time (since I tend to break things just by touching them.) and must maintain himself well. He must have sufficient knowledge on repairs, in short a handyman. I like someone who labels stuff, like dates and groupings of things in boxes.

5.) Outgoing yet mysterious (whew, contradictions!) You know, someone whose mind I can psych out. (‘sides, discovery makes one relationship last long. For me at least!) He must have a critical yet open mind, well-read on issues and has opinions of his own. He must be frank but not tactless, must know how to compliment someone sincerely, how to open a good conversation and to listen well when I talk.

6.) He must be sentimental. Seriously, I love men who aren’t afraid to show their vulnerable sides to women, who knows how to cry. (aww, I love frail men. Seeing his heart shatter makes me realize that I really love him and he needs me. Weird, no?) He knows how to relate to music and literature. Preferrably, he makes some poems. (kahit free verse!)

7.) Because I am NOT like these: He must know a lot of places. Hindi [madaling maligaw] kumbaga. He must know how to dance and have the temperance to teach me, must know at least 3 sports, must be patient, must know how to drive a car (duh?!) and must have clear vision. *sniggers*

8.) Because I am like these: He must know how to keep secrets well-hidden and respect someone’s private space, must be optimistic, honest, fond of music and photography, must be computer and/or web literate, must be caring, encouraging, helpful and supportive not only to me but to others as well. Last in this category, having deep reverence to his parents and relatives and humility is a BIG plus point for me.

9.) Someone who has the same ambitions and wants as mine, like to travel, know a foreign language or two, reach Italy, Germany and France, have our own photo or recording studio, and a writing career perhaps, or he’ll support me in mine (if there’ll be any!)

10.) He must not necessarily be TOO showy on his love for me (since I am also not!), but he does make me feel special in a discreet yet striking way. (Hehehe, mababaw lang naman ang kaligayahan ko.) He’s someone who knows how to cook up good surprises on special occasions. When he’s with me, I want him to ACT AS HE IS. (See how guys act all out polite in front of their girlfriends, and when she’s gone, he’ll wish for her to die for being too demanding? PLASTIK!) When we argue, I want him to keep his cool and keep distance for a while until everything “hot” inside is cleared up, and thus we can talk as calmly as we can. I hate naggers and trashers. (Like, I AM supposed to be the nagger here?!)

Lastly, someone who’ll accept me as I am: flaws, flabs and all.

(… With these written, I conclude that I’ll be single for life.)

This was written seven years ago (Hooray for maintaining a blog!!). It is really amusing how specific, materialistic and selfcentered I was. However it made me smile because I found the nonmaterial, necessary traits in a very special person. Thank you, Lord. You really know our heart’s desires. 🙂

Ito na nga ba?

Ito na yata yung pakiramdam na gusto mong suportahan ang isang tao sa mga pangarap niya. Gusto mo siyang alalayan at samahan sa bawat hakbang na gagawin niya. Kapag iniisip mong araw-araw siyang nagsisipag, nagkakaroon ka rin ng inspirasyong pagbutihin ang ginagawa mo.

Ito yung pakiramdam na gusto mo siyang batuhin at sampalin sa sobrang inis dahil may hindi ka gustong ugali o desisyon niya ngunit oras na maglambing siya, maaalala mo rin yung mga dahilan bakit mo siya pinanindigan. Medyo tanga lang kasi makakalimutan mo kung bakit ka nagagalit.

Ito na rin yung pakiramdam na hindi ka makatulog dahil hindi mo malimutan kung gaanong katamis at kaalab siyang humalik. Kahit bugbog na yung tenga mo kakarinig ng papuri ang puso mo naman ay hindi magsawa. Nais mong matulog sa yakap niya. Nais mo lang laging hawakan ang kamay niya.

Ito nga yung pagtataka kung bakit nagagawa mo ang mga bagay na imposible sa karakter mo. Tumatapang ang mahihina ang loob, malambing ang malamig, mapagpasensiya ang hindi matiisin. Kahit lubusang salungat ang inyong ugali, napagbubuklod kayo ng pakikibagay, ng kompromiso. Natututo kang umaruga, umunawa, manindigan, magtanggol.

Hindi mo na maintindihan kung nasaan ang hangganan, dahil ayaw mo na itong magkahangganan pa.

Ito ang pagbibigay na hindi umaasa ng kapalit. Mawala man ang lahat sa iyo, makita mo lang siyang masaya ikaw na ang pinakapinagpalang tao sa mundo. Kahit mahirapan ka pa o madusta kaya mo basta para sa kanya. Kahit malabo at nakakatakot ang kinabukasan, ito ay nagiging malinaw at handa mo itong suungin kung kasama mo siya… at alam mong kahit ano pa ang mangyari, sa ginhawa o gipit, sa sarap at pait, ikaw ay mananatili sa kanyang tabi.

Ito pala iyon. Ito pala ang pag-ibig.

A Response Two Years Later

How will you know if an important person has come into your life? – June 12, 2012

Making someone important is a decision you will let your heart choose. Sounds unusual for someone so rational but I can attest that the heart always emerges victorious no matter how many times you attempt to oppose and reason out. Perhaps it is the gut feeling that leads you to do the unexpected, or it’s that thing called fate that led you at that moment. It indeed is amazing how a stranger worms his way into your consciousness until everything that occurs to you traces back to a faint recollection of his tiniest details.

Remember that night how you searched a friend’s friend (of friends of friends) thoroughly just for his name? How you let him borrow your review book for board exams? Or the mere fact that you first saw each other when he accidentally sat on your right knee during a pictorial session at lunchtime after the Table Meeting, and that he admitted you have left him an indelible impression at that instant? Or how, on your next couple of chats, you managed to tell him the deadly secret that only two of your friends know? And how you managed to talk to him for eight straight hours and still felt it wasn’t enough for you sincerely enjoyed his company?

Congratulations, I believe you finally found him.