Spurt

So much for not having my own laptop to update this blog for almost a year. (sigh)

How do I start emptying the thoughts deeply embedded in my always preoccupied mind? For one, I have returned to the land I once despised not because of my own desire, but because God led me here after a series of soul-searching and failed plans to escape this predestination. Perhaps I can call it an aborted mission due to my uncooperative and haughty self, but now I am here, starting from (not-so) scratch, but this time, with a clearer focus and a goal in sight. Again, I am here for God and the building up of His Body; I am here for my Atypical Aim.

Separation anxiety bared its teeth on me as I spent my last days taking care of my nephew (who, by now, has become familiar with the family routine of going out for a late afternoon stroll, has three huge rabbit teeth already… but still, no hair. Come on man, I want to see how handsome he will be sooner!). It dawned to me how isolated I have been spending my life overseas, and concluded that I will not bear living the rest of my life away from my loved ones like this. It really is useless to earn money in exchange for quality time with family. Time is of essence, they always say; I am learning to value the time ahead and somehow regret how I wasted the time that had passed.

Issues in love also occurred wherein a long-distance relationship had sprung. The limited communication immensely challenged my patience and endurance. There are times I am battling with my desire to again abort this mission, but there is something that pushes me along to persevere, humble myself, swallow my pride and be the first to approach. Indeed, it is not an easy task to be a servant of God; His way of polishing of character tested me to wit’s end. Further assessment of the situation made me doubt of His arrangements. Seemingly he is not tailored for me, with the possibility of us ending together getting vague by the minute, and for certain our ways are directly opposed, hence why is this so? My cutting and matching is really at works here. The exercise of the mind is really of no use as well; I am having further headache imagining how things will be.

Let go and let God, for I am not and HE IS.
A tremendous statement that I am still having difficulty believing in. I still write in my organizer future annual plans which I believe are doomed to fail. If only for remembrance and ridicule, I should keep them within reach. This blog, too, shall be a memento, as it always have been, of how I am growing up as an individual. Right now I can see this benefit. Given more time than I have now, as I am updating from a hospital computer unit (and while on duty at that! Psst, don’t expose me to my seniors!), I shall update backlog entries exposing what I have been up to these past few months. Too much to handle, should I say.

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apicalbeat

A dreamer with an impending sense of completion.

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