Take Solace, Valiant Love Fighter

You’ve fought too much. You’ve cried hard enough. You’ve isolated yourself for too long. You’ve believed you can write a good closing to a story with a predetermined bitter end. It’s like reviving a patient with rigor mortis, watering a plant that’s been withered long time ago. Pity yourself, for you have long been chasing pavements, and I am sure I know you know it would lead you nowhere.

It’s about time to rest your laurels and get a good night’s sleep. End this insanity, put down your sword. Wash your face off all those traces of tears you’ve shed futilely. Pick up other tasks to and work on them fiercely. Go back to your Creator and thank Him for everything that happened, how He had saved you from an impending lifetime of misery. Bask in the sunshine and remember how this world is crazy yet oh so lovely. Enjoy the warm glow of other people who actually love you back. Then one morning rest assured you will wake up and it will not hurt anymore.  At that point in time, you will look at this and laugh at how silly you were, and maybe pat yourself at the back for being so brave. I believe someday, you will learn to love again wholly, maybe even more than you did this time.

For now, put in your mind how somewhere Far East they used to repair broken porcelain pieces with pure gold. Yes, that’s what you are. The battle scars will be where the light will shine through thus will give you your own genuinity. The time of lamenting has lapsed. Let the dead be buried. It’s time to let it go, especially if the one you’re fighting for will not, and will never, fight with and for you anymore.

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Against the Status Quo

I am officially a Rebel.

I joined Nerd Fitness Academy a week ago, despite not being a total Star wars or Star Trek or Zelda fan at all. The founder’s concept of “Leveling up Your Life Everyday” really appealed to me, seeing that I can apply it not only in fitness but in my whole life in general. I have had an epiphany lately, and that is all that I wanted to achieve were only being hindered by my poor organizational skills and dire lack of motivation. I strongly believe this platform will help me conquer greater heights so I can become my best version in this lifetime. Heck, I have been going on and on about my “Atypical Aim” for years, yet I have never even touched its mere surface. I am tired of all the talk; it’s about time I leap into action about it now that I am nearing my thirtieth mark. Besides, little steps each day will count as a big step in the near future, won’t they?

I might start something like a battle log in this website from now on. Join me in my quest for a better life, hey yeah.

[tag leveling up, nerd fitness, quest]
[cat battle log ]

Alone Again, Wonderful World.

Undergoing quite a difficult time now. My best friend and lover deserted me out of nowhere. I am somehow glad that he has the Lord’s interest for this breakup, but I feel upset that he left me just like that without a proper closure, not even a freaking telephone call! Now, I am left floating and hanging on what to do next. I admit I really loved him, and he is the first man I have ever loved immensely, but I guess I pushed him away by my nagging and by being an extreme worrier. I learned my lesson well; the next time I give my love to someone, I will not hold on to him tight, just right for him to know I am concerned, at the same time I am willing to give him freedom to pursue whatever he wanted.

Still, it really hurt. I wake up in the middle of the night crying after having dreams of him visiting my family, wherein everything is all right, and everything has a happy ending. Am I the only one feeling miserable right now? I guess I am, and I just want this to stop soon, but until then I will never know when I will ever be fully okay again.

Spurt

So much for not having my own laptop to update this blog for almost a year. (sigh)

How do I start emptying the thoughts deeply embedded in my always preoccupied mind? For one, I have returned to the land I once despised not because of my own desire, but because God led me here after a series of soul-searching and failed plans to escape this predestination. Perhaps I can call it an aborted mission due to my uncooperative and haughty self, but now I am here, starting from (not-so) scratch, but this time, with a clearer focus and a goal in sight. Again, I am here for God and the building up of His Body; I am here for my Atypical Aim.

Separation anxiety bared its teeth on me as I spent my last days taking care of my nephew (who, by now, has become familiar with the family routine of going out for a late afternoon stroll, has three huge rabbit teeth already… but still, no hair. Come on man, I want to see how handsome he will be sooner!). It dawned to me how isolated I have been spending my life overseas, and concluded that I will not bear living the rest of my life away from my loved ones like this. It really is useless to earn money in exchange for quality time with family. Time is of essence, they always say; I am learning to value the time ahead and somehow regret how I wasted the time that had passed.

Issues in love also occurred wherein a long-distance relationship had sprung. The limited communication immensely challenged my patience and endurance. There are times I am battling with my desire to again abort this mission, but there is something that pushes me along to persevere, humble myself, swallow my pride and be the first to approach. Indeed, it is not an easy task to be a servant of God; His way of polishing of character tested me to wit’s end. Further assessment of the situation made me doubt of His arrangements. Seemingly he is not tailored for me, with the possibility of us ending together getting vague by the minute, and for certain our ways are directly opposed, hence why is this so? My cutting and matching is really at works here. The exercise of the mind is really of no use as well; I am having further headache imagining how things will be.

Let go and let God, for I am not and HE IS.
A tremendous statement that I am still having difficulty believing in. I still write in my organizer future annual plans which I believe are doomed to fail. If only for remembrance and ridicule, I should keep them within reach. This blog, too, shall be a memento, as it always have been, of how I am growing up as an individual. Right now I can see this benefit. Given more time than I have now, as I am updating from a hospital computer unit (and while on duty at that! Psst, don’t expose me to my seniors!), I shall update backlog entries exposing what I have been up to these past few months. Too much to handle, should I say.

Porcelain Mask

The truth hurts yet liberates, so they say.
You’re the only one who’ve pained me this way.
You saw the rottenness, namely, my face.
My heart was upset, I clammed up for days.
I cried in anger for not getting my way.
My self was wounded, my pride has been slain.
There were times I am tempted to betray.
But I cried most in fear you’ll run away.

Updated Editions

Up on this bridge, I stared at the the direction of your house.
Even if there was nothing there, it made me happy and hurt and regretful
The future we imagined is changing just like the scenery of this town.

– KAT-TUN – Hodoukyou

Many fans revolted when Maakiii, the former female vocalist of HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR, went to the other side of the music spectrum and returned solo to release an electro- single. I myself was aghast to hear her voice severely autotuned and see her awkwardly strut toward the camera in a poppish vibe. However, upon seeing her post that she attended the SUN OF A STARVE live (the new band of her co-vocalist Yusuke), seeing they even posed for a picture, and they had a short exchange expressing recollections of their band, it made me think change is important but amidst the drastic transformations, an element in each of them never left.

KAT-TUN became a four-member band, losing an element of rap in their core. Shigeaki Kato carried on releasing his fourth book of short stories; ARASHI’s Satoshi Ohno had his second art exhibit, Freestyle 2, in Shanghai. Subaru Shibutani of Kanjani 8 delved into acting and from what I have heard, he was awarded Best Actor for “Misono Universe”. His band steadily developed as musicians through associations with other bands on their collaborative TV show. Subaru continuously became adept on harmonica, Yoko on trumpet, and Hina even expressed interest on the accordion. My favorite people were indeed growing up, but they never lost their childish and fancy sides. Take for example Kanjani 8, who are still a bunch of crazy thirty-somethings for dressing up as high school girls and performing as Canjani 8 (Which definitely made me insecure of my femininity). Last but not the least, they made me really happy when I heard their “more matured, rock version” of Zukkoke Otokomichi. (My all-time fave!!) They changed at one point, but they just accepted updates on another.

Come to think of it, How did I update myself?