Toughest canopies have the deepest roots.

In a world of Photoshop and airbrushing, pretense and masquerades, leave a mark for being marred, scarred but wearing it like a badge of honor.
Beauty is skin-deep; sure they inch closer at that porcelain skin or the bosomy figure, but it’s charm and social grace that makes them stay.
Being calm, rational and poised is a gem in a world of trash talk.
Strength does not rely on how loud you complain, but how you intimidate by a steady gaze or a firm resolve.
Singular endurance is more admirable than tackling all and leaving them half-baked.
You are the main actor of this life, yet not all is entitled to know your whole story.

So be still.
Be a mystery.
Hide secrets.
Breathe in.
Be simple,
jagged, ragged
But getting deeper.
Stand tallest.
Yet be softest.

From this day on, I liberate myself.

(Props to those who can state the source of my title.)

2018 is the year I will be exiting my twenties, and it is most certainly a perfect time to bring things into focus.

“Just where did my life disappear to?” A question that always pops in my head every time I sink my head in my pillow. Well, here I am in a barren land away from my family, striving a lot to provide for them financially at the expense of my freedom. Here I am, supporting my precious people, albeit carefully curated, through the internet, as if I am some online support working for them from the other side of the globe in hopes of helping them solve their qualms or guide them as they walk deeper into the unknown. Here I am, uncertain if I am growing, but certain I can feel its pains… #adulting, as the millennials fancifully quote. Hey, I also don’t know where I am going, so don’t follow me!

Of course there are too many possibilities of where I am headed, all of which are contradicting: Gain more solo adventures versus nurture a new unit of the society, turn my back from this career I have practiced unceasingly versus aim for a promotion and a position to mentor future healthcare providers, a desire to take care of my aging parents and guide my younger siblings versus an openness to embrace more fully this country blatantly biased of their natives. However, if six years ago I loathed being pulled from all sides, today it sounded so exciting looking ahead where each arrow might lead me and stabbing my neck with a blunt fork at the same time (kidding!)

Some said a person will have a further sense of clarity of what they want once they reach thirty, while others also stated thirty is the new twenty. All I can say is, the ones who uphold the former are those who have established their life paths early on and they seem to succeed in it, while those who believe the second statement are those atoning for the second decade of their lives wasted on poor financial, health and career decisions. If you will ask me which of those statements I believe, age is just a frigging number! If I want to change drastically, being thirty is not an excuse not to do it. In fact, I am in the process of breaking down my established beliefs down to its core, so there will be a rebuilding. After all, life is all about transformation, and a transformation will not be feasible without unlearning. Steps I have taken so far are as follows:

  1. I recently picked up the habit of readings books, not fiction, but self-help, simplicity guides, and surprise, surprise… financial guides.
  2. Writing a novel, not fandom based as I used to, but the original plot I have been DYING to write for almost 5 years.
  3. Inasmuch as I hate exercising, I bought a quite-expensive machine and currently in a struggle to cope up with the daily plyometrics. Heheh.
  4. Being fearless in the kitchen, despite having  almost cubed my fingers several times over the past six months in practice of how to fillet fish and the simplest proper way of cutting veggies.
  5. Treasuring the Bible not as knowledge but as life and God’s word. (I have always thought I will become an atheist when I grow up after all my misconduct in high school. A major transformation lies here.)
  6. Relearning two musical instruments I know: the piano and the guitar. I am looking at you with intent, note reading.
  7. Rekindling the art of waking early, meditating and using a physical journal. This is the only time I can draw, as I see that anime art is a talent I have (gasp) softly let go. Alas, watercolors hate me no matter how hard I try.
  8. Acknowledging the fact that seeing them boybands is now a distant possibility. But with this loss comes a new pair of eyes of seeing what is in front of me clearer. I am not farsighted in the first place, so forgive me for trying too hard.
  9. Gathering the courage to be hated for saying no, making myself heard and understood, rejecting politely (Yes, it can be.), and letting go. The toughest yet most rewarding lessons come from sticking to your core principles and ethics.
  10. At the same time, gathering the courage to be vulnerable and putting my heart out on my sleeve (at selected times in front of selected people). Letting down one’s pride has never been so liberating.
  11.  Unlearning multitasking. Embracing simplicity and freedom from clutter.
  12. Being poised is a rarity, as one of the books I read said. I choose to be rare.
  13. Having a renewed sense of community. I’ve been living in myself for too long.
  14. Treasuring those who love me unconditionally for they are rare. At the same time, valuing each life as a rare treasure with each its purpose of being in my life.

I have always compared a new year/decade/season as a blank canvas to paint on. Years of experience told me it will never be clean or blank. I can never deny and hide my past mistakes, instead I should choose to wear it proudly as it is already a part of my identity, a thing that makes me unique. The new year is a piece of art whose paint you can chip off to put fresher colors, add more vibrancy, and instead of the canvas staying always on an easel, it should be framed proudly for everyone to see, no matter how abstract the outcome is. So, let’s paint more this year! (I will most likely use oil pastels or charcoal pencils, though. Thank you.)

Take Solace, Valiant Love Fighter

You’ve fought too much. You’ve cried hard enough. You’ve isolated yourself for too long. You’ve believed you can write a good closing to a story with a predetermined bitter end. It’s like reviving a patient with rigor mortis, watering a plant that’s been withered long time ago. Pity yourself, for you have long been chasing pavements, and I am sure I know you know it would lead you nowhere.

It’s about time to rest your laurels and get a good night’s sleep. End this insanity, put down your sword. Wash your face off all those traces of tears you’ve shed futilely. Pick up other tasks to and work on them fiercely. Go back to your Creator and thank Him for everything that happened, how He had saved you from an impending lifetime of misery. Bask in the sunshine and remember how this world is crazy yet oh so lovely. Enjoy the warm glow of other people who actually love you back. Then one morning rest assured you will wake up and it will not hurt anymore.  At that point in time, you will look at this and laugh at how silly you were, and maybe pat yourself at the back for being so brave. I believe someday, you will learn to love again wholly, maybe even more than you did this time.

For now, put in your mind how somewhere Far East they used to repair broken porcelain pieces with pure gold. Yes, that’s what you are. The battle scars will be where the light will shine through thus will give you your own genuinity. The time of lamenting has lapsed. Let the dead be buried. It’s time to let it go, especially if the one you’re fighting for will not, and will never, fight with and for you anymore.

Against the Status Quo

I am officially a Rebel.

I joined Nerd Fitness Academy a week ago, despite not being a total Star wars or Star Trek or Zelda fan at all. The founder’s concept of “Leveling up Your Life Everyday” really appealed to me, seeing that I can apply it not only in fitness but in my whole life in general. I have had an epiphany lately, and that is all that I wanted to achieve were only being hindered by my poor organizational skills and dire lack of motivation. I strongly believe this platform will help me conquer greater heights so I can become my best version in this lifetime. Heck, I have been going on and on about my “Atypical Aim” for years, yet I have never even touched its mere surface. I am tired of all the talk; it’s about time I leap into action about it now that I am nearing my thirtieth mark. Besides, little steps each day will count as a big step in the near future, won’t they?

I might start something like a battle log in this website from now on. Join me in my quest for a better life, hey yeah.

[tag leveling up, nerd fitness, quest]
[cat battle log ]

Alone Again, Wonderful World.

Undergoing quite a difficult time now. My best friend and lover deserted me out of nowhere. I am somehow glad that he has the Lord’s interest for this breakup, but I feel upset that he left me just like that without a proper closure, not even a freaking telephone call! Now, I am left floating and hanging on what to do next. I admit I really loved him, and he is the first man I have ever loved immensely, but I guess I pushed him away by my nagging and by being an extreme worrier. I learned my lesson well; the next time I give my love to someone, I will not hold on to him tight, just right for him to know I am concerned, at the same time I am willing to give him freedom to pursue whatever he wanted.

Still, it really hurt. I wake up in the middle of the night crying after having dreams of him visiting my family, wherein everything is all right, and everything has a happy ending. Am I the only one feeling miserable right now? I guess I am, and I just want this to stop soon, but until then I will never know when I will ever be fully okay again.

Spurt

So much for not having my own laptop to update this blog for almost a year. (sigh)

How do I start emptying the thoughts deeply embedded in my always preoccupied mind? For one, I have returned to the land I once despised not because of my own desire, but because God led me here after a series of soul-searching and failed plans to escape this predestination. Perhaps I can call it an aborted mission due to my uncooperative and haughty self, but now I am here, starting from (not-so) scratch, but this time, with a clearer focus and a goal in sight. Again, I am here for God and the building up of His Body; I am here for my Atypical Aim.

Separation anxiety bared its teeth on me as I spent my last days taking care of my nephew (who, by now, has become familiar with the family routine of going out for a late afternoon stroll, has three huge rabbit teeth already… but still, no hair. Come on man, I want to see how handsome he will be sooner!). It dawned to me how isolated I have been spending my life overseas, and concluded that I will not bear living the rest of my life away from my loved ones like this. It really is useless to earn money in exchange for quality time with family. Time is of essence, they always say; I am learning to value the time ahead and somehow regret how I wasted the time that had passed.

Issues in love also occurred wherein a long-distance relationship had sprung. The limited communication immensely challenged my patience and endurance. There are times I am battling with my desire to again abort this mission, but there is something that pushes me along to persevere, humble myself, swallow my pride and be the first to approach. Indeed, it is not an easy task to be a servant of God; His way of polishing of character tested me to wit’s end. Further assessment of the situation made me doubt of His arrangements. Seemingly he is not tailored for me, with the possibility of us ending together getting vague by the minute, and for certain our ways are directly opposed, hence why is this so? My cutting and matching is really at works here. The exercise of the mind is really of no use as well; I am having further headache imagining how things will be.

Let go and let God, for I am not and HE IS.
A tremendous statement that I am still having difficulty believing in. I still write in my organizer future annual plans which I believe are doomed to fail. If only for remembrance and ridicule, I should keep them within reach. This blog, too, shall be a memento, as it always have been, of how I am growing up as an individual. Right now I can see this benefit. Given more time than I have now, as I am updating from a hospital computer unit (and while on duty at that! Psst, don’t expose me to my seniors!), I shall update backlog entries exposing what I have been up to these past few months. Too much to handle, should I say.

Porcelain Mask

The truth hurts yet liberates, so they say.
You’re the only one who’ve pained me this way.
You saw the rottenness, namely, my face.
My heart was upset, I clammed up for days.
I cried in anger for not getting my way.
My self was wounded, my pride has been slain.
There were times I am tempted to betray.
But I cried most in fear you’ll run away.