The feelings I have are very ironic. Back then, I have always yearned to leave this lonely life. I made up instances, grabbed every opportunity to escape. Now, I just want to spend it with the people I shared the misery with. So it is true, you will miss things badly when you’re off to another place. Then, you can only hope it is lovelier. Rather, you attempt to make it such. Oh, how to bear with this confusing, mystified life.
Time is never time at all. You can never ever live without leaving a piece of youth.
And our lives are forever changed, we will never be the same
The more you change, the less you feel.
Smashing Pumpkins – Tonight, Tonight
For the people who do not understand my absence, here’s my current situation, typed while waiting for precious sleep to overtake me.
I am in the process of participation and absorption of what is going on around me. Generally, I surprise myself at how realistic I attack things. Out of necessity to grow, out of something that I need to prove within myself. Maybe too, it springs out from a desire to be someone who others can be proud of. But primarily, I am doing this for myself. For I acknowledge how weak I am when it comes to being one-minded, confidence, and how I deal with others who I particularly dislike. Being judgmental, easily angered, slivers of self-doubts resurface… these things I cannot totally obliterate, but I can significantly reduce.
The people I met, no matter how fleeting, had an impact on me the past four months. There was this relative of a patient who urged me for three straight days to apply for work in one agency. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have scored such a wonderful opportunity to work for a prestigious hospital overseas. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get the name of her daughter who is now working there. I should have told her I’m thankful for the sense of urgency her mother gave me. The man who I sat beside to while I filed for a community tax certificate reminded me how lucky I am to have finished a four-year professional course. I will definitely remember to greet him when I dine in Max’s restaurant in SM Southmall. Those women who I talked to while I waited in line for an employer interview – Cheska, Ross, Olena, and Bianca – reminded me how young I am, full of dreams and wonder. They gave me hope that I can land a more stable, successful state, given this youth which I really should not waste. Erika, the bubbly lady who talked to me while I fell in line for authentication of my employment certificate, made me grateful that I wasn’t so impulsive with my previous decisions and that I opted to stick with my job despite the dissatisfaction I’ve been experiencing. Lastly, Milette, the 38-year old gregarious lady whom I shared lunch with in KFC Robinson’s Manila acted like a savior to me. I immensely thank her for giving me valuable advice about life overseas. She told me not to trust anyone except myself, be accommodating but still be reserved and observant, and to ensure financial stability first before setting down. She told me I should aim for an NOC after two years, which will surely be my goal. I am certain I will remember her face when the instances she related happen to me (but I hope they won’t) I thrived in these peoples’ support and have listened well to the tiny hints of which direction I should pursue. For this, I testify once more, that there is no coincidence in this world. We meet people for a reason.
And now, I exist in this place for reasons I won’t be able to enumerate. I cannot gloss on this enough, but I am thankful for having parents who are guiding and supportive but still giving me room to decide for myself. I thank them so much for teaching me lessons on saving money, investments, insurances, and diskarte as early as now. Most of all, I learn by their example. I see how helpful they are, at the same firm and resilient. Their love for their immediate families and relatives is insurmountable. The same goes for my friends who understand my need to be free. They also taught me how to stop holding on when it’s time to let go. Seriously, I cannot thank you enough. Our own stars are shining bright, and we’re paving separate ways to reach them. May we find the contentment we truly appeal for. To my coworkers in the ER, ICU, Wards, and Laboratory… who endured my clumsy, rough, antagonistic yet hypersensitive stages. I am immensely grateful for not giving up on me. During my three years tenure, I realized you are more than coworkers for me. You are already my family. There, I have no more words apt to say what I feel.
As I finished typing this entry, a dull ache lingered at my chest. More than immediate goodbyes, setting up countdowns to departures is truly heartbreaking. But this is for the better, so they say.
How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Oasis – Champagne Supernova
Here I am spending Valentines reading 9gag entries while eating a half gallon of cookies and cream ice cream. And while I’m sugar high, let me write a pseudo-philosophical entry.
As previously stated, I didn’t feel anything magical now that I am 24. Gone were the obsessive-compulsive attempts to write down my goals and cross them out upon completion. It just leaves me frustrated when I see that only a few of my goals are completed. What I truly felt? I felt I just had to… go on living and fighting for my place. Because that is the way it should be.
I have been always looking at life from the bleachers. I have been a spectator, a wallflower. (Thank you, Charlie, for helping me categorize myself.) Now that I have “participated”, I have seen this world more realistically. I have snapped out of the charms of the idol world. Instead, I see them as people with same struggles. (Especially that one person who never failed to seize my attention and adoration.) I also imagine myself as an idol. I wanted to widen my scope and inspire somehow. I still have to chase after dreams that hung above like a canopy of stars, to sail where the wind blows. I had to learn how to further use feelings and instinct like a compass for I had already tapped its potentials. When things do not work anymore, I believe there’s no more point in forcing doors to open. Furthermore, I recognized that there is no correct way for going around things. No matter how many people says you’re on the wrong track, only you can prove you’re on the right track baby. (You are born that way! oops, I digress.) I also realized I should value people around me while they are with me, and at the same time detach myself properly from them because, like I always say, at the end of it all, I only have myself to rely on. This I still had to practice a lot, particularly about how hesitant I become when confronted with too much options.
Honestly, this shitty life is full of irony; it’s hard to keep a balance of the things I’ve been enumerating. I still find it hard, but I can slowly see where I’m heading at. And it won’t stop. I might keep on going like this until I’m fifty. On the other hand, I acknowledge that my experiences are humbling compared to others who had lot more complicated situations than mine. Forgive me for being a sadist, but at the expanse of their misery, I realized how fortunately equipped I was. Many say I am lucky. I defer that term. I believe it is hard work and a purpose that got me here. It just saddens me I haven’t utilized resources at the earliest time possible. I’d like to regain the lost instances.
Compared to other birthdays, I was not very enthused about getting older this year. It was actually a stressful day for me. The first part of the morning was spent a little in contemplation, then ahead to the preparations for a little party toward the evening. I was also pissed that I picked the wrong choice of ground pork for my specialty. It mildly affected the taste, but overall it was still good. Then we headed straight to my grandfather’s house. He was going to be buried this day, at my birthday. Good timing, isn’t it? It was really awkward how my relatives came over me to greet me a quiet “Happy Birthday”. I didn’t know how to react, and I cannot bring myself to be happy for this event. The atmosphere was very heavy; everyone even panicked when my grandfather collapsed in the middle of the mass. Turned out he lacked sleep the day before. I was about to sympathize with him but was doubly irritated upon hearing that the reason of his sleeplessness was mahjong and nothing else. It was raining when we marched toward the cemetery. There was the trademark wailing and the increasing size of raindrops. It was as if God was also crying upon this loss. However, I hate to be cynical about this, but we have to let go when it is time. Wailing in front of the grave for over thirty minutes will not bring the dead back.
During the burial ceremony, many of my friends informed me through mail that they cannot attend my celebration due to other obligations. My party for fifteen was reduced to party for seven. But I won’t say I was not happy. So it is true, the older you get, the more you will get to prove who your true friends are. As we set up a low table and alcohol at the porch, I believed I found a trusted few whom I can be really be myself with. I blame myself for reading depressing literature the night before my birthday, but behind the comedy and silliness lies someone superbly contemplative about the entire ordeal. I always do whenever I come of age. This time, it tells me that quality, not quantity really matters. More to come in another session as I am really, really sleepy now. Good night. Happy 24 to my humble, fumbling self.
There comes a time when you have to realize that I will not be always there to attend to your every whining. Please understand that everyone has their own problems, and I seriously do not enjoy it when you burden me, US, with your drama every single fucking day. I am not someone who will say sorry, and I won’t, because I know eventually your sorry ass will realize how stupid it is to complain without getting some actual work done… how hopeless it is to hold on.
Vanish if you want to, disappear, hang yourself from that ceiling. It has been your choice. The world will still revolve, our lives will go on along with the problems we are individually facing, and I’m certain you will be stuck in that misery unless you learn to let go. Besides, it is said that the female’s suicidal ideations are mostly to gather attention anyway. Why, I’ve been there before. It’s pathetic when you go on with that shit when you’re thirty-three, damn it. Get a move on, please.
There is an endless frustration, on how the heaven and earth contrives to make it rain when what you expect is sunshine. How people cannot see each other due to conflicts in schedules, the absurdity of office, just when you seek their comfort most. How you want something but the world offers you an instance which you didn’t really know how to manipulate. With the endless frustration comes the anger and depression, of wanting everything to end, of wishing you were born somewhere else.
Yet, there should be no alterations, manipulations, needed in such instances, because Lady Destiny and Mister Time were lovers who enjoyed watching you suffer just to see you grow.
Masakit akong magsalita. Siguro kapag nakuha mo ang mensahe kong ito, matatapos na ang pagkakaibigan natin. Magagalit ka nang bongga sa akin. Pero hindi ko mapigilan. Dapat ngang makuha ang atensyon mo.
May sari-sarili tayong buhay, at hindi mo naman pwedeng asahan na lagi — as in LAGI — kaming nandiyan para pakinggan ang bawat daing mo sa kung ano-anong mga bagay. Totoo lang, yung mga bagay na nirereklamo mo e hindi ko naman matuturing na problema simula’t-sapul pa lang. May problema tayong lahat, yung iba nga may mas malalaki pang sapantaha kaysa sa’yo, pero dinadala lang nila yon nang mahinahon. With poise, calm and rationality. Yung iba ngang sinasabi mong “problema”, produkto na lang ng pagiging madamdamin mo… naipon… o, ewan ko ba, hormonal imbalance? PMS? Bakit, babae din naman ako, pero hindi ako ganyan. Siguro, kanya-kanyang estilo lang yan ng pagpapakawala ng tensyon sa katawan.
Madalas iniisip ko nagpapapansin ka na lang para makakuha ng simpatiya at kakampi. Kung hindi mo ako tunay na kaibigan, sasabihin kong parating tama ka kahit hindi. Aamuhin na parang bata kada iyak. Pero… kaibigan mo ako e, at wala akong pwedeng gawin kung hindi ang maging totoo sa yo at sabihin na sumosobra na ang pagiging madamdamin mo. Sawa na ako sa mga pag-emo mo. Tapos sasabihin mong wala akong pakiramdam, pang-unawa. Na hindi ako tao. Okay lang, matagal ko nang natatanggap ang ganyang comment; samu’t-saring tao na rin ang nasaktan ko. Pero kung nangialam naman ako, tulad ng ginagawa ko ngayon, maliligayahan ka kaya? Sasabihin mong kailangan mo lang naman ng konting karamay, pang-unawa… mapagsasabihan. Ilang beses ko nang sinubukang intindihin ang mga daing mo… pero madalas sumusuko din ako dahil kapag nasabi mo na ang mga gusto mong sabihin, tapos na ang usapan. Ganun na lang ba yun? Sarado rin kasi minsan ang isip mo sa mga suhestiyon. O sige, kasalanan ko rin kasi wala akong pera. Mas madalas wrong timing na laging nauubos ang load ko pag “kailangan” kong mag-follow up question. Bakit? An’yare? Pamilyar na ba?
Pero una sa lahat, akala ko ba nabuhay ka na nang mag-isa nang ilang taon na? Akala ko ba marami ka nang pagsubok na nalagpasan? Please lang, huwag ka nga mabuhay sa mga pantasya. Oo, ginagamit siya para makalimot sa problema, pero kapag hindi ka na nakawala doon, masama rin ang epekto. Tumatanda na tayo, ayusin mo na ang prayoridad mo sa buhay. Yun e, kung alam mo kung ano ang mga yon.
PS: Pagkatapos mong basahin to, sasabihin mo self-righteous ako, parang wala akong ginagawang mali. Parang hindi rin ako nagpapantasya. Na parang hindi ako nag-eemo. Ako na ang perpekto, ako na.
Nakikinita-kinita ko na.
